Monday, February 13, 2017

xoxo

My experience with boys is very limited to almost none at all. I've never had a boyfriend, never felt "love", never had a fling, never been kissed. As far as crushes, I only have them when they come to me naturally, sure I've thought of unknown boys as cute, but I never really attempt to talk to them or force myself to make something of it mostly because well, every boy that has come into my life naturally has slowly departed, and I'd like to think in self love, I'm the one that got away! But also, I just never cared to date reasoning to why I don't try, and every time I start "talking" to someone, I try to keep it platonic cause everyone in my life knows I am a weak, sensitive bitch.

I never started liking anyone till 8th grade and he ended up being my crush for almost till sophomore year. The typical, Justin Bieber blonde locks, blue eyes, and a baby face. In middle school we were both the smallest kids - actually, that moved on to high school - and he was always just a chill kid, he sang 808's and Heartbreaks and cracked the funniest jokes, befriended everyone and lucky me had almost every class with him. I moved to the US at the end of 6th grade and he was probably one of my first friends at my new school.

By high school the Justin cut was gone, he dressed in solid tees and jeans - cool and casual - and still had the same care free attitude. Our bond was more of me giving answers to homework,,,,, to everyone, or all of us in our friend group freaking out over every bio or chem test, because honestly, no one studied - tests were a team effort. Along with that, I will always be the gal people can make fun of me jokingly with, because I truly am a clumsy hot mess weirdo, and knowing him for so long, that also was where we were at. At the end of sophomore year, I watched him walk into a shed high after he repeatedly told me at the bonfire, RACHEL PLAY ARCADE FIRE; As far as me crushing on him, it died off like any first crush, not interested, too young and I started to talking to someone. But even today, he is still very cute and a cool guy: we both love Friends, the same tunes - key points: Phoenix and The Strokes - and make a lot of art: he makes music, keeps to himself and is always thinking bigger than a lot of people I know from that little town.

And who was I talking to mid sophomore year as my first crush died off a snake! To keep it censored, we will name him Snake because truly, that's what he is. My friend Becca told me about this boy that was friends with Snake, his name will be E. I thought E was very very very cute, in fact, his brother used to talk to my aunt in high school, a very good looking family - mysterious eyes, dirty blonde messy hair, lanky, and well dressed. E wore a tee shirts with an open button ups or flannels, brown lace up combat boots. A cute kid truly, I told my friend Rachel about him at our lunch table where S sat there with his friend (my first high school had long tables so different friend groups sat at the same table) and obviously my conversation was not private enough, as S found me on Twitter and I got a DM saying "hey you sit at my lunch table." This escalated on obviously, "I heard you mentioned E, why?" !!!!!!!!!!!!SNAKE ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!! "Oh me and my friend were just talking about how he dresses cool." Which then, escalated into us talking about music and movies for weeks, days, hours on end.

He was a cute boy and the first one to ever talk to me first. A lanky brunette who wore button downs under sweaters like a little British boy and sang like Julian Casablancas. But he was also a weird one, and also probably the most high talking, pretentious, hypocrite I have ever spoke to - actually that is also what threw me off, he only ever spoke to me once or twice irl. And I asked myself at the end of all of 3 or 4 months - i don't remember - why did I even like him when he couldn't even talk to me irl. Maybe it was because he was HIP & EDGY *gag* he was a boy who was in private school previously, he was originally from Cali, had a weird obsession with Matthew Mcconaughey and listened to all the same jams as me.

Our conversations went from giggling about his name mixed with Leo Dicaprio on Valentines night to traveling and getting out of the dead beat town we were in. Then they kind of just got repetitive and boring and he just kept talking about how much he hated stuff, people, everything and I was living life at the time and at a all time high with everything going on. The last time I ever saw him was the last day of that school year, we haven't spoke for months even so, nor, again, has he tried to talk to me irl, so it really didn't matter all ways. I think what upset me is how someone could just waste my time, we could've just been friends, we were just friends - online? LAME He also just acted like he didn't even know me and when I moved to from Illinois to Minnesota, he DM me asking how I was around the start of my junior year, I just kept it simple just small talk, and then ignored him 15 minutes in.

Junior year was a transitioning year, no boys, just tried to make friends, and getting through pre-calc. But senior year, I was back feeling honestly, very cute, and confident. I wore cute outfits everyday, overalls, patchwork shirts, denim minis, and always had a strong eyeliner wing.

My schedule was wrong so I was switched into a different German class. I walked into my new hour, seats in pairs and in an empty seat. However the boy who sits in the paired seats was late and his seat was next to mine. I think what I liked about him is that he was the only boy to ever call me cute to my face and the first time we had a conversation other than about school was him saying he liked my overalls. He was new so naturally I wanted to be his friend because I was new the year before and still barely had friends. We only talked for a month but we bonded over fashion, music, and just life in general.

But it was a corny kind of crush, he played with my hair, he called me cute all the time, we made fun of each other. Nothing was wrong with the boy, he even dressed cool - vintage golf printed shirt, khakis and Vans - he liked to thrift to so that's cool! I sound so terrible when I talk about looks, it's natural to care for them but it's also just a score when they dress cute because I myself love personal style.

We ended when I was trying to figure out why we had stop talking for a few days even after asking me on a coffee date??? -  I didn't go, wasn't ready, and it was with his friends, didn't sound safe. Over my fall break I found out he was talking to someone else, who also ended up being his girlfriend. He continuously tried to snap me and talk to me irl but it kind of hurt my feelings a lot because he really made it seem like I was a special gal, a pretty gal even, like I said earlier, no one has called me cute nor has talk talked/been flirtatious to me till him, for once I felt like someone would actually like me. He also made it seem like we were slowly becoming something, but he was just a coward! I would've been okay if he told me he was no longer interested or told me he liked someone but instead I found out online, through a Facebook pic, how LAME!!!!!!!!

I ignored him for months on end as he was still in my class and had me as a Snapchat friend. During all of this I was also reaching an all time high of friendship, self-confidence and just living so when he did end up breaking with her he tried to hit me up, but at the time I was sassy and still upset, but happy with everything else. He did move away, I am not sure why, nor know whats going on with his life, but today I am still kind of like.... What the heck you are so lame and rude, don't lie - to multiple girls I've overheard, LAME. 

Getting to the end of this, I feel like I slowly got more petty and childish, but don't get me wrong, although 2/3 of these boys hurt me, they have also made me better. I don't have a type these days, unless being nice and open-minded is a type, more of a general need. A common theme is I fall out with boys which I believe isn't my choice, more of the universe telling me to just keep watching 80's/90's rom coms and reminding myself what I deserve and how to keep focusing on self love, especially when I feel down in the dumps over boys and the other little inconveniences.

For now, I will continue to miss my people, keep trying to make friends in my hometown, and work towards a better me and loving me.

 ♥ Happy Valentines, from the loneliest and the weirdest ♥
Rachel